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RELATIONAL EVOLUTION

Do you know the most common struggle couples face today?


The conflict between the seemingly opposing needs of individuality and connection.


Wanting to stay connected to the person we love yet not wanting to give up our own individual growth.


We live in a culture that is increasingly focused on the freedom of choice and individuality, yet we haven’t updated our relational skills to fit this culture.


Most of us still relate the way our grandparents did, when connection and romantic relationships were needed to secure our family’s survival.


We literally needed our partner to survive back then and that's what's still impacting how we relate today, even though we are perfectly fine to survive without a romantic partner.


This leads to big challenges as soon as the honey moon is over and we're face with the reality of changing needs or circumstances.


So as the needs of the individuals in a relationship change, we’re left with two choices: suppress our own needs for the sake of keeping the relationship like previous generations did, or leave and hope for the next relationship to better fit our needs.


This is why divorce rates are skyrocketing and there is such a thing as serial monogamy, where you go from relationship to relationship, changing partners as soon as there’s the slightest challenge.


The thing is: we are relational beings, needing connection to live a fulfilling life.


So while we are focusing more and more on our own individual growth and development, we still try our best to meet this need for connection as well.


This works out in some cases where we're lucky to match perfectly in our individual needs or have enough relational skills to move through challenges, but in most cases it doesn't.


What we need is to upgrade our relational skills to enable us to navigate this conflict that breaks up most couples.


How can I stay true to myself and my needs while staying in loving connection to you?


What if there's a way to hold the tension of opposing needs in connection with each other until a solution for their coexistence emerges from within the connection?


As we are ever changing beings our needs will keep changing,  what if its possible for our relationships to evolve with these changes too?


This shift in how we relate is not only needed but inevitable, since this is where evolution so clearly is taking us right now.


And evolution is life looking for more life, love for more love and truth for more truth.


So we might as well listen.


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In service of this need for a new relational paradigm me and Rouven have started a series of conversations on this topic.


We will share the recordings on Idas podcast on Spotify: ”Somatic Relating” and Rouvens Youtube channel: ”Evolutionary integrity”, follow us there to stay tuned.


There you can also find the links to the recording of our first conversation, where we talked about our relational evolution so far and why there is a change needed now as we are facing this conflict of needs in our relationships.


At the end of this week we will record the next topics and we would love to hear from you in the comments: what would you love for us to address?


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All you need is love?

They told me all you need is Love.


But when I looked to get my needs met in Love

instead it showed me what I really needed.


When I went to Love to find stability

it made the ground shake beneath my feet.


When I asked Love to give me worth

it pointed to where I still don’t value myself.


When I expected Love to complete me

it let me feel through all of my incompleteness.


When I longed for Love to cure my loneliness

it reminded me of all the places I abandon myself.


When I held onto Love for security

it freed itself, revealing all of my insecurities.


When I wanted Love to make my dreams come true

it read to me the fairytales those dreams were made of.


Once I stopped looking and started listening, Love stared singing through my heart with a gentle voice:


Love is not the long awaited goal.

It is here in every step.

Guiding you home.


Love is not the almighty answer.

It is the infinite mirror.

Loving you.


Love is not the solution.

It is the evolution.

Resolution.


The fight is over.

Yours truly,

Love.


❤️


 
 
 

EVOLUTIONARY CONFLICTS

Needing to be in the same reality is what prevents us from being in the same reality.


Needing to have the same point of view is what prevents us from truly seeing the point of any view.


Needing to be in harmony to be able to connect is what prevents us from creating harmony through connection.


Needing to find a solution to meet our own needs is what prevents us from finding the solution we need.


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When our realities are allowed to co-exist we can start to find common ground.

As long as we are fighting or ignoring the fact that the other has a different experience than us, our experiences cannot co-exist and hence we cannot really co-exist either.


When we let both our realities be seen and heard we don’t have to fight to have our reality be acknowledged anymore.


Instead we can start to broaden our perspective into a reality where both our experiences create a fuller picture together


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When we can see that both of our view points are valid we can start to see the full picture.

When we focus on convincing the other of our point of view instead of really listening to theirs, we prevent their perspective from shining the light on the things we cannot see from ours.


Once we can look at the situation from both view points we can see ourself and the other in it, both contributing to it with out part.


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When we can connect in and through what causes disharmony we can find our way to harmony.

If we assume that the only way back into connection is to find harmony first, we cannot meet in the disharmony that is.


Meeting in disharmony actually strengthens the relationship and the trust between us, making us more resilient to meet any future challenges.


Once we can support each other to meet in the discomfort it can start to dissolve into comfort, this is how we create harmony together.


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When we can let a solution emerge from the tension point between our opposing needs it will meet more than just our individual needs.

Focusing on finding a solution to meet our own needs before we have come back into connection will only enforce the disconnection between us.


If we cannot even acknowledge the we can have different needs within our relationship, we cannot find a solution for them both.


It is first when we can be together in the tension of not knowing, that a solution can be born where our needs can co-exist.



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Are you curious to learn more about how this can be lived and embodied in relationships?


Come join our INITIATION into evolutionary relating 23-29 of May at Nikkilä Temple in Finland with your partner.

The super early bird is valid until the end of February, so don’t wait too long! Read more


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© 2021 Ida Helmers

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