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HELPING YOUR CHILD EXPRESS ANGER


- Mom! There’s anger that wants to come out... I think I need to wrestle!


- Sure, lets wrestle.


- You know, it’s funny mom, even if I’m not angry with YOU, it helps to wrestle you when I’m angry.


- Oh yeah? How does it help?


- It just feels better.


- I love to hear that it feels better for you after we wrestle. How does it feel in your body?


- Hm...I feel free!


- Wow! That’s such an amazing feeling, right?


- Yes! Like I let out all the old feelings so I can feel all new feelings now.


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When children express anger it’s not because they want to hurt or disobey you, it’s simply because there’s anger that needs to move through their bodies.


Emotions are just energy in motion, energy that wants to move through our body to release blockages that are in the way of life energy moving freely through us.


Children need our help to move this energy in a way that does not hurt them or anyone around them, as they do not yet have the impulse control or capacity to do this by themselves.


Letting them move anger in connection with us is a beautiful way to welcome their natural expression, so they don’t have to hide or suppress it.


They will suppress their natural expression if we shame or punish them for it, telling them to be quiet or stop it. This leads to them shutting down parts of themselves that they don’t feel are welcomed.


Anger is part of children’s natural expression and underneath anger lies our power. So if we never get to express anger as children we will have a hard time accessing our power later in life. We need to be able access our power to set boundaries and express our needs, so that we don’t end up in dysfunctional relationships and dangerous situations in life.

Me and my daughter started practicing moving anger when she was 3 years old. I would invite her to wrestle through pretending to be an animal, when I noticed a build up of emotions starting to come out in a destructive way. Today she asks for a wrestle herself when she notices the build up in her body.


This playful wrestling is such a beautiful way to ease the charge between us and go into connection when there is a conflict. I often let her decide what animals we embody and then she gets to push against me and scream, to really access her power. After a while I let her defeat me, when I notice the charge has moved through.


When anger comes up in a child towards their caregiver, it’s often because they need to regain a sense of control. Imagine for a moment being a child and having that little control over your life and everything in it, it’s quite frustrating, right?


Giving your child the sense of control every now and then and even letting them playfully defeat you, is a way to ease their frustration. It’s also deepening your connection by you attuning to and meeting the need underneath the frustration, instead of shutting it down.


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We will talk more about the message of different emotions and how you can support your child to love them through in the upcoming #somaticparenting online immersion that starts on Sunday —> link on my websites!


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WHEN MY CHILD BECOMES MY ENEMY

When my child is expressing anger towards me and I don’t have the capacity to hold them in it, my nervous system will perceive them as a threat.


When I haven’t met my own needs and they’re expressing theirs, they becomes like an enemy to my unmet needs fighting over the lack in resources.


My natural parent instinct is to protect my child but when my nervous system simultaneously sees them as a threat, I’m caught in an inner conflict.


This inner conflict can either explode outwards blaming my child or inwards, shaming myself for having these feelings and reactions towards my own child.


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❄️ Shame activates the immobilization / freeze instinct in me, shutting down my ability to act or think logically as well as my social capacity. From this place I cannot attune to or meet my child’s needs, nor my own.


➡️ I am no longer capable to be present with them and check out, dissociating or distracting myself. It gives them the imprint that expressing anger, which is linked to expressing their needs and boundaries, leads to disconnection.


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💥 My anger / fight instinct might get activated to protect me against this perceived threat and I might raise my voice at them to make them stop.


➡️ this would scare them and activate fear in them, which would shut their expression down to protect them from my anger. This gives them the imprint that expressing anger leads to punishment.


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🏃🏽‍♀️My fear / flight instinct might get activated to take me out of the situation. I might leave the room and close the door to put distance between me and the perceived threat.


➡️ this would lead to them feeling abandoned by me and give them the imprint that their expression of anger leads to abandonment.


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🔑 UNDERSTANDING MY NERVOUS SYSTEM IS THE KEY TO NAVIGATE THESE SITUATIONS


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💡Knowing what is going on in theirs and mine nervous system helps me to catch myself before my instincts take over.


🔑 I can put words on what is happening by mirroring back to them that I see that they’re angry and then help them to move through it without any of us getting hurt.


➡️ read more about helping your child to move through anger and why it’s helpful to do so here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157591969351364/?d=n


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🙏🏽 When I don’t manage to catch myself I can at least understand what happened afterwards, so that I can repair and rebuild trust again.


🔑 I can put words on what happened and show them that I’m sorry that I acted on my instincts. By rebuilding trust right away I give them the imprint that expression of anger still leads to connection, even if we first need to move through the process of repair.


➡️ read more about the power of repair and how it creates a deeper bond with your child here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157555526591364/?d=n


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🌬 When I understand that both of our nervous systems are activated I can do something to regulate my own or co-regulate with theirs.


🔑 I can take a deep breath, move my body and use my senses to come back to the present moment. I can invite them to move with me through playfulness and let our bodies regulate together.


➡️ read more about how our nervous systems communicate with each other here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157600275446364/?d=n


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❤️ We will talk more about this and learn tools & practices to regulate our nervous system in the upcoming Somatic Parenting online immersion that starts in 3 days ➡️


💌 Sign up to my love letter to get a special price on the immersion + a gift ➡️


🙏🏽 If you like this work I would love your support in reaching the parents that need it. I share more over at IG: somatic_parenting ➡️


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AUTHENTICITY vs. BELONGING


To be yourself or to fit in, that is the question. Be yourself off course, you might think - unfortunately it’s not always that easy and here is why:


As humans we have two main social needs: the need to belong and the need to express ourselves authentically. These two needs are often in conflict with each other when we grow up, but as children one has a higher rank than the other.


For a child belonging is more important for their survival, because a child can in fact not survive without its caretakers. A child needs their caretakers to want to take care of them and will do whatever it can to make sure they do.

Therefore the child adapts to protect itself when notices that it’s natural expression results in the caretaker either getting angry or pulling away.

A child will almost always choose belonging over authenticity, to avoid potentially loosing their source of survival. To avoid punishment or disconnection by their caretakers, they will suppress their expression and adapt their behaviour.

This suppressed expression is stored in the body as trauma, which can get triggered in similar situations later in life. The nervous system activates the strategy to avoid the certain expression as soon as it is triggered, remembering it as dangerous to express.

This inner priority actually shifts as adults: now it’s more vital to be authentic than belong, because we’re not dependant on others taking care of us to survive anymore. But since most of us have developed a lot of strategies to avoid certain aspects of our authentic expression, we will continue to adapt our behaviour and choose belonging over authenticity anyway.

The good thing here is that it is never to late to release this suppressed expression from the body & nervous system and to relearn our strategies to avoid it. We can do that by consciously giving ourselves new experiences by taking small steps to welcome and express ourselves in a connection we feel safe in. When we get a new experience of this expression not leading to disconnection or punishment, the trauma starts to release from our system piece by piece.


This is what we practice together in our connection circles, through embodiment practices, conscious communication tools and heart opening sharing -> you find all upcoming events on my website.


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© 2021 Ida Helmers

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