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From the MICROCOSM of a WORKSHOP to the MACROCOSM of your LIFE

Being stuck in certain relational dynamics, patterns and challenges can be quite frustrating and really hard to get out of on your own.


Here is why:


Our relational experiences as adults are built on our very first relational experiences as children.


This is how our relational patterns, attachment styles and coping mechanisms are developed.


We relate the way we know how and use the “successful” experiences we know to make connection and get our need for love and belonging met.


On a neurobiological level this looks like neuro pathways that link certain experiences together, a certain outcome to a certain behavior for example.


This is why we often find ourselves repeating similar relationship dynamics and challenging situations in life, because our brain is literally wired that way.


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The cool thing with neuro pathways is that they can be changed throughout our entire life, since they are malleable in their plasticity.


Every time we have a new experience of A not leading to B but to C, D, E or F instead we are creating a new neuro pathway.


With a new neuro pathway in place we not only start making new choices, we can also start to see new possibilities and show up differently in the world since it has a rippling effect on other pathways when a new one is formed.


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Since changing relational patterns can be quite challenging in regular life, I have made it my life’s work to create workshops that become a micro cosmos of the participants lives.


This is how that can look:


In some of the exercises we do in my workshops, like feeling your body and walking towards another or eye gazing for a minute while tracking your breath you will discover patterns kicking in that you use to relate in your daily life all the time.


Through slowing down and recognizing the pattern, taking a deep breath or moving to regulate your nervous system you get the choice to have a new experience of not instantly going into the pattern but instead staying present and connected to yourself.


From that connected place you can then chose how you want to meet the other, without loosing touch with yourself and going into autopilot but meeting them in a totally new way.


This creates a new experience that will give an imprint for how you show up everywhere in your regular life - rippling out from the micro cosmos of a workshop to the macro cosm of your life.


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This is the intention of the relational laboratory that I created together with Rouven: a space to create new relational experiences together.


If this sparks curiosity in you and you are ready to create some new neuro pathways and experiences that can ripple out into you life, come join us on our tour through Scandinavia this spring!


Copenhagen 10-12/3

Stockholm 24-26/3 (in Swedish)

Helsinki 21-23/4

Malmö 5-7/5

Göteborg 2-4/6 (in Swedish)


Find all the events through my website.


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Boundary, set, go?

A common misconception when it comes to boundary work is that we are meant to find our boundaries once and then know for sure what they are.


So we make sure to consider all the pros and cons while deciding if we’re a yes or a no to something, putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to be sure to make the right choice.


We might even believe that changing our mind means we are failing at having no boundaries, so we keep ourselves from feeling into it again and only ever making one choice.


This creates boundaries that are lifeless and stagnant, often times they coming across as inflexible and hard to our loved ones.


This is part of the process of getting to know our boundaries and might be necessary to practice setting them, after maby suppressing them our whole life.


However, to not get stuck here and create to much frustration in our relationships, we might want to consider seeing boundaries as something alive and moving - like a dance.


What if we can give ourselves permission to feel into what is true and relevant for us moment to moment?


What if it’s not one choice but a continuous choosing?

What if we let ourselves move with the ever

changing aliveness from within that shows us what we need, desire and want?


Once our boundaries become a dance between no and yes, there is so much beauty and aliveness that can unfold on the vast spectrum in between.


This is where we can come alive.


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I invite you to join me on sunday in Malmö for a whole day dedicated solely to getting to know and dancing with your boundaries, while creating a sense of safety from within your nervous system.


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AUTHENTICITY vs. BELONGING


To be yourself or to fit in, that is the question. Be yourself off course, you might think - unfortunately it’s not always that easy and here is why:


As humans we have two main social needs: the need to belong and the need to express ourselves authentically. These two needs are often in conflict with each other when we grow up, but as children one has a higher rank than the other.


For a child belonging is more important for their survival, because a child can in fact not survive without its caretakers. A child needs their caretakers to want to take care of them and will do whatever it can to make sure they do.

Therefore the child adapts to protect itself when notices that it’s natural expression results in the caretaker either getting angry or pulling away.

A child will almost always choose belonging over authenticity, to avoid potentially loosing their source of survival. To avoid punishment or disconnection by their caretakers, they will suppress their expression and adapt their behaviour.

This suppressed expression is stored in the body as trauma, which can get triggered in similar situations later in life. The nervous system activates the strategy to avoid the certain expression as soon as it is triggered, remembering it as dangerous to express.

This inner priority actually shifts as adults: now it’s more vital to be authentic than belong, because we’re not dependant on others taking care of us to survive anymore. But since most of us have developed a lot of strategies to avoid certain aspects of our authentic expression, we will continue to adapt our behaviour and choose belonging over authenticity anyway.

The good thing here is that it is never to late to release this suppressed expression from the body & nervous system and to relearn our strategies to avoid it. We can do that by consciously giving ourselves new experiences by taking small steps to welcome and express ourselves in a connection we feel safe in. When we get a new experience of this expression not leading to disconnection or punishment, the trauma starts to release from our system piece by piece.


This is what we practice together in our connection circles, through embodiment practices, conscious communication tools and heart opening sharing -> you find all upcoming events on my website.


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© 2021 Ida Helmers

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