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HELPING YOUR CHILD EXPRESS ANGER


- Mom! There’s anger that wants to come out... I think I need to wrestle!


- Sure, lets wrestle.


- You know, it’s funny mom, even if I’m not angry with YOU, it helps to wrestle you when I’m angry.


- Oh yeah? How does it help?


- It just feels better.


- I love to hear that it feels better for you after we wrestle. How does it feel in your body?


- Hm...I feel free!


- Wow! That’s such an amazing feeling, right?


- Yes! Like I let out all the old feelings so I can feel all new feelings now.


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When children express anger it’s not because they want to hurt or disobey you, it’s simply because there’s anger that needs to move through their bodies.


Emotions are just energy in motion, energy that wants to move through our body to release blockages that are in the way of life energy moving freely through us.


Children need our help to move this energy in a way that does not hurt them or anyone around them, as they do not yet have the impulse control or capacity to do this by themselves.


Letting them move anger in connection with us is a beautiful way to welcome their natural expression, so they don’t have to hide or suppress it.


They will suppress their natural expression if we shame or punish them for it, telling them to be quiet or stop it. This leads to them shutting down parts of themselves that they don’t feel are welcomed.


Anger is part of children’s natural expression and underneath anger lies our power. So if we never get to express anger as children we will have a hard time accessing our power later in life. We need to be able access our power to set boundaries and express our needs, so that we don’t end up in dysfunctional relationships and dangerous situations in life.

Me and my daughter started practicing moving anger when she was 3 years old. I would invite her to wrestle through pretending to be an animal, when I noticed a build up of emotions starting to come out in a destructive way. Today she asks for a wrestle herself when she notices the build up in her body.


This playful wrestling is such a beautiful way to ease the charge between us and go into connection when there is a conflict. I often let her decide what animals we embody and then she gets to push against me and scream, to really access her power. After a while I let her defeat me, when I notice the charge has moved through.


When anger comes up in a child towards their caregiver, it’s often because they need to regain a sense of control. Imagine for a moment being a child and having that little control over your life and everything in it, it’s quite frustrating, right?


Giving your child the sense of control every now and then and even letting them playfully defeat you, is a way to ease their frustration. It’s also deepening your connection by you attuning to and meeting the need underneath the frustration, instead of shutting it down.


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We will talk more about the message of different emotions and how you can support your child to love them through in the upcoming #somaticparenting online immersion that starts on Sunday —> link on my websites!


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WHEN MY CHILD BECOMES MY ENEMY

When my child is expressing anger towards me and I don’t have the capacity to hold them in it, my nervous system will perceive them as a threat.


When I haven’t met my own needs and they’re expressing theirs, they becomes like an enemy to my unmet needs fighting over the lack in resources.


My natural parent instinct is to protect my child but when my nervous system simultaneously sees them as a threat, I’m caught in an inner conflict.


This inner conflict can either explode outwards blaming my child or inwards, shaming myself for having these feelings and reactions towards my own child.


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❄️ Shame activates the immobilization / freeze instinct in me, shutting down my ability to act or think logically as well as my social capacity. From this place I cannot attune to or meet my child’s needs, nor my own.


➡️ I am no longer capable to be present with them and check out, dissociating or distracting myself. It gives them the imprint that expressing anger, which is linked to expressing their needs and boundaries, leads to disconnection.


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💥 My anger / fight instinct might get activated to protect me against this perceived threat and I might raise my voice at them to make them stop.


➡️ this would scare them and activate fear in them, which would shut their expression down to protect them from my anger. This gives them the imprint that expressing anger leads to punishment.


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🏃🏽‍♀️My fear / flight instinct might get activated to take me out of the situation. I might leave the room and close the door to put distance between me and the perceived threat.


➡️ this would lead to them feeling abandoned by me and give them the imprint that their expression of anger leads to abandonment.


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🔑 UNDERSTANDING MY NERVOUS SYSTEM IS THE KEY TO NAVIGATE THESE SITUATIONS


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💡Knowing what is going on in theirs and mine nervous system helps me to catch myself before my instincts take over.


🔑 I can put words on what is happening by mirroring back to them that I see that they’re angry and then help them to move through it without any of us getting hurt.


➡️ read more about helping your child to move through anger and why it’s helpful to do so here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157591969351364/?d=n


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🙏🏽 When I don’t manage to catch myself I can at least understand what happened afterwards, so that I can repair and rebuild trust again.


🔑 I can put words on what happened and show them that I’m sorry that I acted on my instincts. By rebuilding trust right away I give them the imprint that expression of anger still leads to connection, even if we first need to move through the process of repair.


➡️ read more about the power of repair and how it creates a deeper bond with your child here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157555526591364/?d=n


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🌬 When I understand that both of our nervous systems are activated I can do something to regulate my own or co-regulate with theirs.


🔑 I can take a deep breath, move my body and use my senses to come back to the present moment. I can invite them to move with me through playfulness and let our bodies regulate together.


➡️ read more about how our nervous systems communicate with each other here: https://www.facebook.com/512376363/posts/10157600275446364/?d=n


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❤️ We will talk more about this and learn tools & practices to regulate our nervous system in the upcoming Somatic Parenting online immersion that starts in 3 days ➡️


💌 Sign up to my love letter to get a special price on the immersion + a gift ➡️


🙏🏽 If you like this work I would love your support in reaching the parents that need it. I share more over at IG: somatic_parenting ➡️


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FROM POWERLESS TO EMPOWERED PARENT

I remember studying children’s development and attachment trauma when my daughter was one year old, feeling so bad about everything I thought I’d done wrong and convincing myself I’d already messed her up for life.


She has some risk factors in her heritage and I’ve spent a lot of her early childhood trying to compensate and make up for them, guilt being my constant companion.


My therapist once told me that there are two types of guilt: the irrelevant guilt we carry from the past and the relevant guilt that points to what we can actually change for the future.


That idea really resonated in me and I started listening to what the guilt wanted me to look at, which lead me to a deep wish to shift the lineage of inter generational trauma.


I wanted to do it differently to not pass on the relationship trauma patterns I’d inherited, but didn’t know how to and felt so powerless while catching myself acting them out.


Until I learned how trauma lives in the body and awakens when the nervous system is activated.


What relief to understand what was happening and learn that there is actually something I can do about it!

🌱 Since trauma lives in the body we can release it trough the body as well, embodiment practices helps us listen to our body´s subtle signals and follow its guidance towards healing.


🌱 Since trauma responses & relational patterns patterns live in the nervous system, we can learn how to meet traumatic activation in ourselves and our children with nervous system regulation.


🌱 Since trauma lives in all of us it activates in every parent, something we can practice to meet with compassion when we feel that we’re not alone in it.


This and a lot more became the foundation of Somatic Parenting, which is my way to share the tools & practices that I wished I’d had with me from the beginning of my parenting journey.


This is not another parenting modality that tells you how to parent your child, these are simply some seeds that are intended to empower, resource & support you in your parenting.


🌱 EMPOWERMENT through EMBODIMENT


🌱 NERVOUS SYSTEM AWARENESS


🌱 SUPPORTIVE COMMUNITY


The next online immersion starts on April 17th —> you can read more about it here!


Come join for 6 weeks of embodiment practices, nervous system regulation, weekly sharing & support circles, self practice meditations & knowledge about the nervous system & trauma.


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© 2021 Ida Helmers

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