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It’s time for a new relational culture.

Right now a very painful and dysfunctional relationship dynamic is being played out on live TV for the world to see. As you watch the story unfold you might find yourself identifying more with the pain of one side or the other, cause these dynamics live within us all.


What we're being shown here is what happens when individual relationship trauma fits so perfectly together that it creates a mutual vortex, so powerful it is extremely hard to get out of. I know, because I've been in more than one - and I'm sure I'm not the only one...


Another word for this is trauma bonding. This is when the trauma patterns of one partner amplifies the trauma patterns of the other, back and forth in endless cycles of hurt and “passion”.


Sure that might be true for them you might think, but I would never end up in a crazy relationship like that! I would notice for sure and end the relationship, or even better never start one.


The thing is though that most of us relate like this to a certain degree. Even if it's not as extreme as certain celebrities, we do relate a lot from our own relationship trauma. One example is how we always seem to attract our opposite, so that we can play out the patterns we know so well with each other. We relate the way we learnt how to in our childhood or previous relationships, from the strategies we developed to cope when our needs where not met. The avoidant dances with the anxious, the savior finds its victim, and so on.


The cycles continue as long as both parties suppress their own needs, until someone says stop. Most of the time this is when relationships come to an end, as these are the two options we know of in our relational culture: stay and suppress your needs or leave and try to find someone else to fulfill them.


What if there is a third option? What if we can become aware of these dynamics that run the show and meet them together with compassion and awareness?

What if we can create enough safety in our bodies and nervous systems to be with the uncomfortable and painful until it alchemizes into deeper connection and healing?


What if we could change our relational culture from consumerism to evolutionary relating? To stop consuming relationships to fulfill our own unmet needs, but instead let them become a path of mutual growth and healing?


Now is the time.


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If you are curious to learn more about what evolutionary relating is and long for more tools to relate in a both empathic and self-responsible way with you partner, we still have space for a few more couples in our couples weekend 3-5 of June in Lund, Sweden.


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HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

Although many of us long for that perfect relationship with no conflicts, the freedom to be ourselves fully while feeling committed and safe in the partnership - that is not often our reality.


The reality is that relationships are hard work and that many of us in fact struggle with the same themes around meeting our own needs while meeting the needs of our partner.


Relationships and partnership in particular is where we are confronted with ourselves, this is where all of our relational baggage shows it’s ugly face.


It can be quite overwhelming to have our partner project all of their unhealed relational trauma onto us, or to lose the connection to ourselves and our own needs while focusing on meeting theirs.


If we don’t know what is happening or have the tools to meet it together this usually ends up suffocating our love and ending the relationship.


But if we have the understanding of how relational trauma gets triggered in partnership and learn to meet it together with awareness, we can not only prevent & resolve conflicts easier but also keep deepening our connection.


Relationships don’t grow deeper & stronger from having no conflicts, they grow from the strength & resilience we build when we move through challenges together.


The thing is though: this is something we cannot do on our own while we are stuck in our patterns, otherwise we would’ve solved all of our problem already.


We need support from outside the relationship to give us new perspectives and show us what we cannot see on our own, our blind spots as well as our strengths.


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Since we know this struggle so well we have created a weekend with the intention to support couples to deepen in connection through understanding their relational dynamics better.


We have both gathered a lot of practices and tools on our own journeys both professionally and personally that we intend to share with you during this weekend, so that you can easier come back to love when challenges arise.


This is something that we’re both very passionate about: to bring people closer to themselves and each other - we would love to see you there and support your relationship.


/ Ida @ Somatic Relating & Rouven @ evolutionary integrity



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© 2021 Ida Helmers

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