Updated: May 5, 2021
As children belonging is more important to us than authenticity, as adults authenticity is more important than belonging - yet we still operate from how our need for belonging was met in childhood.
I’ve had this reoccurring theme in my life where I’m petrified of doing something wrong.
Underneath the fear is a longing to belong to the tribe and not be outcast.
Today that same fear awoke as some people were triggered by my actions.
Suddenly I found myself panicking about what the consequences would be...
My nervous system played out the fear of actually dying if I get kicked out of the tribe - what is actually true for a child.
A child does not survive without its caretakers.
If a child notices that it’s natural expression results in the caretaker either getting angry or pulling away, it will choose to adapt to protect itself.
A child will choose belonging over authenticity.
Today my inner child awoke, scared shitless to be outcast and die.
My love was there to guide me to get in touch with this scared girl and go back to the source of this fear.
An incident came up clearly, where I overheard my stepdad being angry about my expressing my needs and taking up too much space with my mother.
There and then I chose the strategy of closing down parts of me that where taking up too much space and being to needy of love and attention.
Today I was guided to connect with that girl and thank her for protecting me back then.
I also got to show her that I am safe now, I can express myself and have my own back when others are triggered.
This whole process was the perfect example of how this priority shifts as adults: now it’s more vital to be authentic than belong.
When I’m being authentic in my expression my tribe will find me, and those who are triggered and can not stand my expression are just not my tribe.
My love actually wrote a beautiful article on this subject, making this protection mechanism very clear and relatable.
I highly recommend reading it if this resonates in any way -> https://medium.com/@gunthernann/how-being-inauthentic-helped-us-survive-103956738e19