My biggest relational wound is a question: will Love stay? This wound has left a vigilance deep in my tissues, always waiting for it to leave. So when my beloved pulls away or needs space, this vigilance urges me to make sure he stays.
I always did my best to please it, making plans, asking for guarantees, labels and promises so it would calm down. Losing track of my truth in Love on the way, focusing only on making sure it couldn’t leave.
Turns out I cannot get rid of this wound by avoiding it.
Turns out I am actually closing myself to Love by trying to protect myself from pain.
Turns out the only way is through.
So there it was, the difficult conversation I had been resisting, yet all the time knew was coming. The truth being spoken so the veils of fantasies, longings and strategies could dissolve. Seeing clearly now how none of us could show up for Love the way we really wanted to, when it was being controlled and put into a box.
His truth reminding me about my truth. Cause truth always calls for more truth as Love calls for more Love and life for more life. And sometimes when I’ve lost my truth I need another’s to find my way back.
So there it was, my biggest fear actualized. Love being set free from guarantees, labels and plans. My whole system alert, ready to fight or flee to not feel the pain I was expecting when Love leaves.
Yet to my surprise Love stayed and took my hand through the hand of my beloved. I am still here, Love said through his loving voice. And through his pure eyes Love showed me that this is just everything that isn’t Love falling away.
For what greater gift is there than to be set free?
What is more loving than the permission to be fully me?
What deeper trust is there than the trust in Love itself?
And finally I see her clearly: the little one within, who’s been fighting for Love all my life.
I pick her up and hold her close, whispering words of gratitude for how hard she’s tried. Then I lift her chin up to show her what I see: so much Love, already here, without any fight needed.
I sit with her and let the gentle waves of grief and gratitude wash over us. The devastation for all that couldn’t be transmuting into excitement for what now can. She softens and melts into my embrace.
What if I don’t have to give up my truth for Love?
What if I can actually find it through Love?
What if Love is the guide and not the destination?
I can’t wait to find out.
